Hi, I just wanted to share a little update with all of you who’ve been so lovely about joining this knit along. When I started this I wasn’t in a great place, both physically and emotionally. Since 2021 we’ve been trying, on and off, for a baby. We took a break for a few months while we focused on the wedding, we didn’t want the extra stress, especially once I got my wedding dress. I didn’t want to be panicking about it not fitting. I got super lucky, against all odds, and fell pregnant the first cycle after the wedding, even though that month was hectic and stressful and I was away for ten days. Unfortunately, this isn’t a happy story, and if you’re not having a good day, please click away.
From the start, I was unsure about the pregnancy. Something felt wrong. I still can’t explain it, maybe I just knew it wouldn’t work out, which upsets me more makes it even harder to accept. The same day I got the positive test I told my close friends, and I started making things for my microscopic baby. A cardigan, a hat, mittens, a singular sock. What I had been scared of started to happen to unfold before my eyes. After a panicked A&E trip I was put on bed rest. Then back to A&E, then sent to Glasgow, which was a horror of its own.
I didn’t have to look at the screen when they did the scan; I guess I was just hoping my baby would still be there. Ultrasounds look so beautiful when they’re black and white. Mine was just black, reflecting the emptiness of my uterus.
To cope, I decided to start something fun to distract myself: I’d knit a baggy, ski-style jumper from the ’80s/’90s. My plan was simple, something cosy to hide away under if I ever got pregnant again. And at first, it went great! I felt so motivated to get others involved and turn it into something special.
I was (and still am) doing the most comprehensive pattern I can imagine, with multiple customisable ways to tweak it, sizing for most people, unisex. Round neck, V neck, cardigan, and a few sleeve variations.
And then the slump hit. That weird depression creeping in, the heavy feeling. The apathy to everything, with only crochet holding my interest. This seems to be my new favourite trick, I’ve made a whole jumper. Then my laptop lives in the car, and if I am roasty, toasty, in the house… I’ll do it tomorrow. Somehow, “tomorrow” turned into six (maybe eight?) weeks.
I only realised when I had to file a complaint about the NHS how long I had been working on this. That’s bad, right? I am grateful for the care they provided, but I don’t think it’s normal to be transferred to a different hospital and then wait seven hours for pain relief, and not have a single meal provided for a 36 hour hospital stay.
Over the next few days, when I am on le ferry to France, I will be without internet while at sea and hopefully distraction free. I am so determined to finish this pattern out by the end of the month. It may be clunky, but it can always be refined. The in the round version is likely going to be first, followed by flat.
I’m also planning to add children’s and baby sizes. One day, if I’m lucky enough to have a baby, they’ll be the most kitted-out kiddo around.
Thank you so much for understanding.
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